Supporting Aging Parents: Productive Time vs. Quality Time
Top Ten Strategies to Maximize Quality Time
Does this to-do list feel familiar?
Review latest medication changes and fill one month’s worth of impossible-to-open pill sorters and hope they don’t fly all over the floor
Set up 3 or 4 doctor’s appointments, hoping none have to be
virtual
Find a new dentist after the last one recommended a crazy care plan like pulling all teeth and going with dentures
Change any and all lightbulbs and smoke detectors that require climbing on ladders
Donate a box - or anything at all - to the thrift store
This brings me to a topic I have been thinking a lot about: Quality Time vs. Productive Time
At some point along your parents’ “longevity journey” you may notice a shift in the way you spend time with your parents. You are spending less time enjoying each other’s company and doing fun things, and spending more task-oriented, get-stuff-done time.
My type A, get-stuff-done personality makes me pretty great at the blocking and tackling required to cross tasks off a long list. These skills come in handy while supporting my aging parents but sometimes the need to feel productive gets to be too much.
“Productive Time” is planning, get-it-done time for the things you want to do to help your parents out.
My sister and I have a shared iCloud Note where we track all the things we think should get done from updating trusts to changing lightbulbs so our parents can live in their home as long and as safely as possible. This list can get long.
Sometimes technology is a culprit: computer logins and passwords or scary, flashing red “Virus” warnings start to take an outsized influence in your life.
Sometimes it looks like a “clutter reduction initiative,” as I will continue to document here for comic relief.
Or you create a healthcare binder and medication chart that your parent may never refer to again. But you want to be helpful. You want them to be safe, healthy and happy.
Productive Time robs you of Quality Time.
For me, Quality Time is time spent together, maybe sharing stories, cooking, shopping, walking or hitting golf balls. It’s time with no required outcome.
All of a sudden the scales start to tip and rather than spending time walking on the beach, going through old family slides or digging up ancestors on the web, you are focussed on getting !@#$ done. Things that need to get done like advanced directives or updates to a 25 year old trust.
I have discovered that I need to be intentional about preserving quality time. When I visit my parents, what do I want to spend some time doing? What do I want to ask? What do I want to know more about? This is when you learn juicy little tidbits of family lore, like who was married before and you never knew it!
For instance, I recently read The Women by Kristin Hannah and it renewed my interest in the Vietnam War. My uncle fought in Vietnam and my husband’s uncle died in combat there. When I shared this book with my mom, she mentioned she had a stack of letters her brother wrote to my grandmother from his time there. Wow! I was amazed to think that these still existed (well, of course they do when your mom saves carbon paper from the ‘80s). I want to dig them up and read what he had to say. Learning more about this family history is what I would call Quality Time.
Have I done this? No. We keep getting caught up in taking toxic garage chemicals to the dump and other (arguably productive) tasks.
I surveyed my amazing network of aging experts and we brainstormed an awesome list of tips to help.
Here are my Top 10 Strategies for maximizing Quality Time with aging parents:
Set reasonable expectations (HA!) for what you can and need to get done. My list is always too long. Instead of trying to tackle 10 tasks, pick the top 1 or 3 for your next visit. You’ll feel better about what you accomplish and allow some down time.
Schedule quality time first. Make a quality time activity the first item on your list, that way you are sure it gets done. Is it a walk in the woods? A manicure? A museum visit? Get that on the calendar so it’s locked in first. The other things can fit in around it.
Schedule stand-alone “dates” that are just about being together. Depending on what your parents like to do and how mobile they are, set up time outside the house to a restaurant, museum, or park. Often, changing the location is a great way to change the dynamic.
A friend who cares for two parents who live with her, both in wheelchairs, makes the effort to go out for a meal - no easy logistical feat. But it gives everyone something to look forward to, provides time for fun chatter, and takes the burden off of her and her husband to cook and clean up. (More on the comedies of dining out with aging parents in a future article!)
Ask your parents what they WANT help with ahead of time. I have worked hard to get better at this and I still have a lot of room for improvement. I now ask for a list ahead of time of what things they want help with - not just what we want them to do. If I am only foisting my agenda on her, I overhear her telling her friends on the phone “My daughter is here and she is forcing me to do Swedish Death Cleaning.” I mean, she’s not entirely wrong but how many blenders does she really need?
Don’t save tasks for the last 10 minutes or the last day of a visit. I do this every time. I have a significant task that doesn’t get done and now needs doing the morning I need to fly home, like burying the dog's ashes or giving away an old grill on Facebook Marketplace.) Why does this happen? 1. My mom springs it on me last minute -see number 6, or 2. I didn’t plan and prioritize well. Now I am cleaning the trash cans when we are tired, anxious about departing and feeling a little bit emo about heading home. Schedule the icky tasks early or midway through a visit.
Create a shared project. Having shared creative projects builds connection. My mom is an amazing sewist (as evidenced by the range of sewing machines in the house and the robust fabric stash!) Projects don’t have to be complicated. Last time we sewed pieces of her fabric stash into simple travel shoe bags and I gave them to delighted friends as gifts.
Honor time and energy limitations. In some cases, older parents have less energy than they used to, or than we do. While you might be able to clean the garage for 5 hours or clean an entire closet in one session, that is often too much. People get testy and cranky and then it’s an unpleasant situation. Don’t overdo it. If you get through one box of old photos, maybe that’s enough and it’s time for tea.
If possible, schedule more frequent, shorter “productive” visits and go off-schedule for fun or surprise visits. These can encourage times of fun and relaxed chit chat.
Shake up the “usual” to make it a little more fun. If you want to get your parents out for a walk and some exercise, can you go somewhere different? Need groceries? Explore a new market or a gourmet grocery or stop for frozen yogurt on the way home.
Just let it go. My mom likes to say “when I go, just bring in a dumpster and haul it all away!” Maybe she’s onto something. Maybe everything doesn’t need to be perfectly organized and executed. I am not saying that’s going to be easy but maybe it’s worth a try.
I’d love to hear what works for you so please drop a comment below! Together, we can save our sanity AND successfully support our aging parents.